Born To Be A Lovergirl Forced To Be A Narcissist

Daria taught me to practice pragmatism, recently, this is not a far away remembrance, I’m still 23, and just a girl reminds me of taking nudes to sell in a bar bathroom and punching myself in the face while speeding down the highway. I like that these things take the same bus route as the other “im just a girl” Gwen Stefani audio tiktok girlies. I have self diagnosed with quinn syndrome on an informed basis of my refusal to grow up. My ego has poisoned my brainroots, They feebly rooted in half-rotten “what could be’s”. men will always provide. Naively, ritualistically imposing a practice of dependency onto those who will provide, shoddily protecting myself from what i know to be a deep inadequacy.men will always provide. As senseless this yearning is, it lends itself to violence, an omen for the spiritual bankruptcy i will be too rotted from false hopes to see on the horizon.

Born to be a lovergirl forced to be a narcissist 

My dad would be proud of me, I bit that street punk, i hitchhiked to a tunnel rave, i broke into a building, I got keys to an art studio, i projectile vomited and nobody even noticed. I exited with compassion and grace, i made the flight, i made a joke about burzum nobody at the silverlake wine bar understood, i didn’t kill myself yesterday. But he’s gone, a vacuum world. I refuse to look at myself through my father’s eyes. 

He asked if i liked him because my dad skateboarded, i was thrown off by such a direct freudian attack, forced to be a narcissist. I should have answered, I like you because you have something i don't.

I thought I was happy, in my lovergirl era when words manifest in my body, best spent interacting with form. Tissue was growing in what was previously festering, demanding itself to be expelled. Cells fatigued from gagging, scar tissue has become acquainted to my vocal chords. I have commodified myself, a body i do not care for. I am offput by those who respect themselves less than i respect them. I have still commodified myself. Narcissist.  I’m learning to shut the fuck up, consume to heal